The police were at Lisa’s house again.  more threats…there is a warrant and Ben is running???not just from the law but from God too.  I keep praying and wonder why he continues on his path and nothing changes.  I am afraid of what is going to happen.  I choose to trust god..when I am afraid I will trust in You.

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As life goes on The Lord brought proverbs 3:5&6 to my mind repeatedly.  Sydney is still not attending school…people are praying….but the circumstances seem to remain unchanged.  We get a bit of encouragement that mom is on board…then the whole thing falls apart again.  So I continue to trust…..I have been thinking on this word to figure out what it really means to trust God.  It was the message this morning that gave me some insight…Peter was questioning Jesus about somebody else’s life and Jesus said to him..follow me and what is it to you to be concerned about somebody else…follow Me.  There is pain in our lives….it helps shape who we are….?Jesus experienced pain…three times He asked the Father if there wasn’t some other way to avoid the cross…..but He did what the Father asked of Him.  I want to be an example of a follower of Jesus in this situation….how does that look?  Could a God be using this situation to teach me to lean on a Him instead of endlessly trying to figure out some way to fix it myself?  That thought just came to my mind as I was writing this……

As Sydney’s life continues to spiral out of control I pray and try to remind myself that God is in control.  he knows everything that is going on……tried to talk to Ben and got nowhere.

When I picked Sydney up her mom was totally out of it at three in the afternoon.  Ben was all over me for “invading their privacy”……pretty frustrating.  Still she is not on school for the second year…and a half.  please God keep her safe and help her to feel your love and choose to follow You ……

So two days from now I will be officially retired.  I feel at peace with the decision….but saying goodbye has never been easy for me.  I will miss the people…we’ll some of them, but am ready to stay home.  I want to use my time wisely.  The job has become increasingly stressful and I find I don’t handle it as well as I used to.  I am hoping to spend more time with Sydney . It is a big change and I am grateful.  I will be able to take care of our house and be with my husband and this is something I have always wanted.

So Randy and I had talked vat how if my job got to the point where I feel I can’t do it anymore..I could quit. the time has come so last week I gave notice.  So I only have. Five more days and I am officially retired.  I feel at peace about it…I like being able to have time to do the thongs at home that need to be done.  it hasn’t been the same since Debbie left and I had to work with those jerks so not anymore after next week!

I write this with hesitation…..I have been taking I would like to renew my vows with Randy with the kids when we go on the family cruise. it makes me sad that Ben would not be there too. My dream is that we all get to go and have a great time all together as a big family.

Ininvited him to our Thanksgiving dinner……he said no. Sydney wants to come so I am thankful for that.

I miss mother more at this time of the year…..I need to keep focused on the celebration and what to is all about.

We are still tryng to find a church to attend…..please god help is to find the right one.

feeling at an all time low. trying to keep it hidden. I am dangerously near tears all the time. The night is escape time. Pam called me today and reminded me of Gods love and his control and my need to trust. I got another text from Ben threatening my relationship with Sydney. It makes me so sad and I am getting tired out by this. I just feel like it is hopeless. Please god help me to focus on You.